An apology...

[video=youtube;0t1-PBZU1BM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0t1-PBZU1BM[/video]




I apologise
for my existence
as I have no right to live
and yet, I am here

in this crazy cruel world
full of poisoned minds
hearts converted into stones
machines instead of brains

the world of pain and despair
world of desolation
where the society rules the individual

I apologise
for loving so dearly
without having ever received love

and for my stupidity
and for my innocence
and for being different

I apologise...





[13/10/2013]

 

This a beautiful poem but
it is very sad. There is no
need to apologize for being
diferent nor for your existence.
I can feel the pain in each verse
and it touches me deeply. I really
hope it is only inspiration.
Have a Nice Evening!

 

Thank you. No, this time it is not an inspiration - and there is even more sadness to come... Rather than sadness - rather than sorrow - a deep frustration, a disappointment with life in general, a very dark vision of reality which always accompanies me - and it is people who have a lot to do with my current state of mind, sadly. I do often feel utterly disappointed with people, as much as with situations, happenings etc. - which of course does not mean I do not enjoy the good things in life. The problem is that those ''good things'' are but very few - and the bad things generally tend to overtake my entire existence...

My mother in Poland once told me that when I was born, someone told her that I will never be happy in my life. What was strange about it, was that the person has told my mother that it will be her fault. I do not know what that might mean. If you read my countless autobiographies - including here, on Mundopoesia - there are certain events from my past and present that really can justify my general outlook on life; my perception of the world as a vile and hostile place where no one is really welcome... Nevertheless, I do not blame my mother for my misfortunes. I do not blame anyone in particular. I just feel asphyxiated in this tragic reality of mine - and I need so desperately to find my way out of it... This is the difficult part...

I tried a complete isolation from the society - for I believe people equals problems, so to avoid any kind of trouble, I keep very much to myself and I live away from people - but only partially voluntarily because it is also because of my circumstances which make it almost impossible to ever meet anyone or to simply hang out with people - and I have never even been able to find a true friend; a friend that would stay by my side no matter what - who would at least try to comprehend me, who would not criticise me, who would know exactly what to say and what not to say, who would not leave when life takes another turn... I have always had to count only on myself in everything. If I managed to survive until this day, it means I am a strong individual - but at the same time, I am only a human being and every human being has their weak side, too...

So, the isolation only works when I feel that is what I need - when I really enjoy it, when I want to be left on my own. But, there are times when I search for a company - and not just someone, but a company of someone like-minded who would not be offended so easily by anything I say or do; by my mere existence... Someone who would let me be the person I am without trying to change me. Someone like that would deserve my greatest appreciation, indeed. But, such a person has not yet appeared... Or, if they did eventually appear - they already have other commitments, unfortunately...

I have never been truly happy in my life... And I tried to...! I tried every possible way to be happy - and this is why I know that happiness is not something we can achieve simply because we choose to be happy. No way. We * do not choose * our feelings, nor do we choose our lives... If that was the case, I would be somewhere else now, not sitting on my butt in this awful and cold country where people like me are viewed as pests and everyone only wishes their quick extinction... ;/- I would live a completely different life if it were true that ''we are the makers of our own fate'' - oh, believe me, we are not... Sometimes, it is not enough to simply do our best to achieve our goals - this is why I believe strongly in predestination; perhaps, I was not meant to be happy... Or - to even know what happiness is... ;-'

Thank you for your comment. I do appreciate that. Not many Spaniards comment on my English writings, for there are not many Spaniards who know English sufficiently to even understand what I write in other languages. Thus, I very much appreciate all comments like this.

Please, do not be offended by my statements.

Si alguna vez yo digo algo que en los ojos de un español puede parecer ofensivo - por favor, simplemente no me hagan caso. Yo ya soy así; digo lo que pienso y que siento, por más duro o por más estúpido que parezca... Yo sólo sé guardar para mí secretos ajenos y propios; cosas que nadie jamás debe saber - pero todo lo demás, lo grito a los cuatro vientos porque sólo así, sacándome las penas del alma, es que yo puedo alcanzar algo de paz y sobrellevar este dolor existencial y esta frustración que de otra manera no sería capaz de soportar...

Muchas gracias, querida amiga, saludos y bendiciones para usted. Hasta luego.

A.B.